ADH-Me?
The least fun letters in the alphabet in my opinion.
Last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD. The diagnosis came after months of feeling overwhelmed and out of sorts. My brain felt like it was on hyperdrive and I didn't have control. I didn't understand what was going on with me. Was I just super depressed and moody? Was I burnt out once again from taking on too many tasks, projects, and side gigs outside of regular work? I could not for the life of me figure out what was going on until I had a random conversation with a friend who casually mentioned that she had ADHD. She had been diagnosed many years before and said it was life changing because she finally could understand how her brain worked and why it worked the way it did.
I embarrassingly thought ADD + ADHD was only common amongst children, especially young boys, for hyperactivity and impulsivity. I had never met a woman who had the disorder (women of color have even lower stats of being diagnosed). That random conversation led me down a rabbit hole of ADHD articles, websites, and online quizzes. I felt like I was living the common joke about WebMD, where you look up a symptom you have and later believe you might have contracted a viral disease or cancer. Instead of self-diagnosing myself (even though I had many of the common traits seen in women), I decided to ask my primary care doctor for a psychiatric referral for an ADHD assessment. She looked at me incredulously, but wrote the referral anyway. Getting diagnosed was not easy. ADHD assessments were not covered by insurance, which meant that I’d possibly be shoveling out hundreds of dollars to get to the bottom of what I was feeling, which was hopelessness, frustration, and constant overwhelm.
After months of getting on multiple months-long waiting lists at several different places, I eventually found a practitioner who was actually available to assess me and not for a thousand-dollar price tag. She saw all the signs, but told me that I had been "masking" for a long time, which is why I probably never saw the signs myself and was constantly burning out. According to the Attention Deficit Disorder Association, "Masking is when a person with ADHD acts in a ‘socially acceptable’ way to fit in and form better connections with those around them." Some behaviors that are considered masking are:
Putting in twice the amount of effort and time than others to achieve a goal
Working extra hard to complete tasks right before the deadline
Checking your work multiple times before submission
Focusing intensively during conversations to keep up
Being extra early to events to avoid being late
Having multiple alarms and reminders set up
Writing everything down so you don't forget
I can confidently say I have been doing all of these and more for years. My friends and family always considered me an overachiever who was constantly working or pivoting from project to project. Mentally I was just trying to keep my shit together.
The process of getting medication seemed even worse than getting assessed. Apparently, there's a worldwide shortage 🙄 which made it nearly impossible for me to get meds (thank goodness for a pharmacy in Brooklyn that delivers🙏🏾). Once I started taking the medication, it was like a light switch came on, and I was able to function. I felt lighter and moved through the day with ease. I could hold conversations without tuning out midway because I wasn't having random unrelated thoughts pop up in my head.
Last Friday, I took a field trip to Brimfield, Massachusetts with Substack writers
of and Sheri Rosenberg of . I've been a subscriber of Christene's for a while now. Her writing reminds me of dessert. I never read her newsletter immediately when it pops into my inbox because I want to savor it. I wait until the end of the day so it can have my undivided attention and I can dive right into the sublimely written confection that is her writing.
We got into a luxe Sprinter van with several other fabulous women to treasure hunt at the largest flea market in the world. Brimfield is the perfect place for someone with ADHD. There are hundreds of stalls selling everything and anything at all price points. You look left, you see something shiny and you go for it, but then something bright on the right catches your eye and you reach for that. Your focus is scattered, but that's okay because at Brimfield, that is how you find the thing you didn't know you were looking for. Thrifting has always been a balm for me, but I never knew why until I found out my diagnosis. It's an activity where I can "unmask" and space out. I can go through a rack of jackets in a minute flat and keep it moving. Nothing is precious, everything is low stakes, nothing needs your immediate attention = ADHD Win!
I went home with some new wares, a sick vintage Lacoste jacket, and new friends. I even had an ADHD moment where I bought a cool art print and misplaced it a half hour later because I forgot that I leaned it against a table while looking through bric-a-brac (at that point my meds had already worn off, so no wonder I had forgotten 🥴).
I sometimes look back at all the instances in life that seemed harder than they should have been and where I almost pushed myself to the brink. I wish I had been diagnosed sooner, but alas, I can't go back in time and can only go forward with the new insights that I have about myself, and for that I am insanely grateful. So, for the days when I want to zone out without a care in the world, you can probably find me at my local thrift shop rummaging through racks and scanning the shelves for my next vintage pot.
P.S. Would folks be interested in buying similar vintage housewares? I am decluttering and have amassed a small treasure trove of goods that I’m willing to part with and send to new homes.
Let's Dig Deep,
Natalie 💗✨