Every once in a very rare blue moon I crave something that my younger self would eat. It might be Lil’ Debbie, Drakes, Entenmanns, Hostess, the list goes on. I coax myself into buying the snack, reminisce about how good it tasted years ago, and wonder when did my tastebuds grow up. To my utter disappointment, the snack never lives up to the delusional hype that’s in my head. The saccharine confections have either aged me out of their younger intended audience by changing the ingredients drastically or my tastebuds can’t be fooled anymore into genuinely liking inexpensive bodega snacks.
The same goes for candy bars these days. Any time that I dig through someone’s Halloween candy or grab a milk chocolate bar of some sort it seems to have morphed into something unpleasing that I automatically spit out. KitKat + Twix aren’t giving me a satisfying endorphin hit anymore. I’ve now found myself being one of those folks who seek out only the highest quality dark chocolate bars sometimes settling for dark chocolate-covered dried mango chunks or dried apricots (they’re dang good!).
I’ve been silently mourning this fairly recent occurrence. Not eating these cheap snacks even though I can afford way healthier and better quality ones feel like I’m turning my back on my upbringing. I grew up pretty poor and whenever I could find spare change in the house it was like a divine sent message from above to “Go forth and snack Natalie. Finders keepers, losers weepers”. With 75 cents I could buy a small juice which we called quarter waters, a bag of chips and some sort of cake or cookies just for myself.
I think I have a deep-seated fear that I will forget the hardships that molded me into the person I am today. Like somehow eating better quality foods will make me think I’m better than who I was before. It’s some sticky icky conditional thinking that I’ve been working on for a while. Wanting better for yourself whether that be mentally, physically, or spiritually can be a hard path to navigate. It’s much easier said than done. In the meantime, I’ll keep working on it as I munch on Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cups.
Friday’s Paid Newsletter: All new BURNT podcast with the wonderful Reina Gascon-Lopez from The Sofrito Project!
Cook. Eat. Repeat.
Natalie 💗✨
I definitely went through this phase when I first left college and moved to Chicago. Over time though I started to appreciate these junk foods as memory joggers over sensory experiences. Does an Oatmeal Cream Pie actually taste that good? No. Do I enjoy memories of my grandpa every time I eat one. Yes!
relate to this so much <3 thank you for sharing!